OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
soo... how was my night?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
