OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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