Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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