Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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