I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
