cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
