He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
