Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
