my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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