and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
