i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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