i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
