it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
