After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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