I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I love you. Go after that dick
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
