My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize