It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
