when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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