Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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