also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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