i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
