Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
