I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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