If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If I die, sorry about rent.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
