there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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