The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
