I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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