If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize