he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
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