filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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