My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
We smell like vodka and hangover
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