and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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