i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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