i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
