Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize