you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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