I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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