we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
