Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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