I think im going to throw up on grandma
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
