I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
