I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
