She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
