His pubic hair was longer than his dick
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
