if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
