Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
