Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
