can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
