Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
