awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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