this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
