she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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