I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
