only if we run a train.
done.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
