You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We are all done wearing pants today
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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