I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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