if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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