I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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