sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
