I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
