She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
