Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
